Kiddush Drama

Kiddush. Don’t even get me started.

When Jews sanctify something, we drink wine or as it’s better known as, we make “Kiddush.” The root word of Kiddush is “holy.” We don’t just drink wine, we use the wine to elevate the moment and we recite a blessing. Frequently Kiddush is followed by a festive meal or food.

Now this all seems simple enough. Wine. Food. Be holy.

Not.

When I was younger I remember attending the Kiddush after Shabbat services. There were two long tables in the Kiddush room. On those tables were Tam Tam crackers, Coke and herring. Sometimes, we might have also had some feta cheese. The rabbi “made Kiddush,” we ate the delicacies, chatted and then went home. Now on very special occasions, we had burekas. People went crazy over those soft, potato filled pastries. The Kiddush was long forgotten once the burekas were presented.

At my current shul, on most given Shabboses, the Kiddush will have foods like cookies, pies, cakes, tuna, crackers, salad, veggies, cholent, chips and candy.

The candy is a HUGE mistake, in my humble opinion. It turns our children into little savages. I’ve seen our Kiddush table collapse at least twice while kids climbed onto the table grabbing candy bars. I’m pretty sure this is more of a parenting issue than a starvation issue. I’ve gone on “lets not put candy out” campaign. That did not do too well for my ratings. It was the same year I campaigned for “do you know your children are running loose in the halls?” I decided to forgo my PNP (Parents Need Parenting) career at the shul and keep the few friends I have acquired. Truth is, that most of our parents do an amazing job, but a few unsupervised children can speak loudly.

Anyway, I am a regular “Kiddush volunteer.”  So, on any given week that I am recruited, I show up early to shul to help out. As soon as I step into the Kiddush room, I am generally greeted by a smiling Kiddush leader.  

Helping out is really not too difficult, on face value. One would think, you show up, open up some crackers, put them out on a table and voila!

Think again.

There is always an issue and about five opinions. I, like many other volunteers, just want to get the job done and move on. But, accommodating some very opinionated ladies can be quite tricky.

A couple weeks ago, I showed up for my volunteer position. My first task was to put the cookies on the table. That seemed easy enough for me. But, apparently there were two types of cookies. One type was donated from a regular cookie donator and the other was from someone else. The head Kiddush lady was concerned that the original cookie donator might be offended if those cookies were on the same table with someone else’s cookies. Oi vey! I suggested that we move the “other “ cookies to the kid’s table. That was great until Kiddush director #2 came in and said I had to move the newly donated cookies back to the center table for fear of insulting the 2^nd cookie donator.  I decided to leave the cookies for director #3 and move onto something where I could not go wrong: setting out the cheese.

I divided the cheese up into four plates (per my instructions) and put them out on the tables. Done. I was proud. A few minutes later my cheese plates had been brought back into the kitchen. What? How could I have gone wrong with cheese plates? One for each table. I even counted my little cheese strips. Well, they decided the cheese needed to be cut into smaller slices and put on platters rather than plates.  I was just glad I was not asked to fill up the cracker baskets. I can never seem to get the crackers all facing in the right direction.

Perhaps G-d was sending me Kiddush karma.

Well, I finished off with the “covering of the food” task. I walk around all the tables and cover the food with napkins so people are not tempted to eat the Kiddush food before the Kiddush is recited. Apparently, it’s a problem. The napkins act like high security protection. I am very good at this job.

I think our rabbi has it right, though. He never eats the food at the shul. Neither does his wife. Instead they talk to all of us. It’s our therapy. Once I saw a lady talking to our rabbi. He couldn’t have missed the fact that she had orange icing dripping down the side of her chin. I stood in awe of both the icing and the fact that he did not flinch. I don’t know how he kept a straight face, but I suppose that’s one thing that makes him a real mensch of a rabbi.

The truth is, I wouldn’t miss a Kiddush. It’s where we all connect with one another. I’m not sure if we all have “the Kiddush” in mind, but how can we with a CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE CAKE facing us down?

Well, anyway, I’m still on the Kiddush rotation. Apparently they think I’m really good at putting tuna in the bowls. But, there’s a new lady who’s coming to help next week. I’m going to let her start out with something easy: putting out the cookies.
#kiddush #shabbos